I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
