So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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