she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
