i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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