the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
