Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
We had sex on a dog bed..
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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