shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
