A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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