Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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