"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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