And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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