the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
We had to coat check the pizza.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
