Only a mothe r could love this liver
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
