You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
