She is in my trunk
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
