Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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