I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
My ATM looks so different sober.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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