Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
