Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
