what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
