Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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