i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
