I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
