1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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