im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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