Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
