dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
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