The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Ketchup is God's man juice
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
