Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
