Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
