ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
