I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
