I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
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