I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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