Sorry, I don't speak sober.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
