Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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