I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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