Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
