why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
