So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
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