I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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