seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Randomize
