I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
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We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
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Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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