Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
