I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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