even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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