Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
