i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You should frame my arrest warrant.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
