I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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