I'm eating all of the evidence.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
