Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
