I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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