guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
