Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
