I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
