I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
