I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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