ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
