The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
