hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
