Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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