If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
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