Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
