Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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