I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
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