I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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