Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
