My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
